The Brave Green Chicken

The Doctrine of Convenience

2008-12-29T12:06:00.011+05:00

"I remember being a giddy schoolboy who had just discovered the psychadelic and rebellious rock of the 60's and 70's. How I chanted "We don't need no education" and used words like "establishment" and "oppression of the masses" to channel my angst and resentment against everything that wouldn't go my way? But then oneday I grew up. Not for any epiphany or devine revelation, but rather at the hand of a choice between surviving in an uncertain world and fading into oblivion. No longer could I complain about the unfair world nor about the injustice and inequality. No longer would I allow myself the luxury of adolescent rebellion and petty, self-gratifying protests.

Of course there were rules and conditions. I could not become the savagery that forced me to grow up well before my time. I would defeat the cruelty of the world by exercising restraint and suceeding with honor and with dignity. Honesty, fair play and kindness would not be optional for me. My conscience would always be my trusted companion. Such were the noble ideals I cherished and aspired to achieve.

But today, I learn something different. Today, the cruelty and apathy of the world has evolved to an even uglier shade of shiny black. To be deceitful is to be kind and courteous; to move on untouched by human plight is to be focused and persevering; to be unfair is to ambitious; to cheat is to be cunning; to steal is to relentless at acquiring success; to be two-faced is to keep an open mind and essential to read both sides of the same coin.

When did doing the right thing to do become the wrong thing to do?"

- Excerpt from "The Adventures of Kamil Khan at South Guthka University"

Pakistan is torn between the illiterate majority and the ill literate minority. If there was ever a case of a rock and a hard place, this is it. The only thing that binds every Pakistani to every other Pakistani regardless of the class and financial bracket is the Doctrine of Convenience (DOC).

The DOC is a mechanism that allows us to do what we want, when we want and how we want with an absolute moral impunity. It is a get out of jail free card that grants us immunity against consciences (those left with a voice anyway) that prick us with questions of our own hypocrisy. Pick any sector, national debate, point of view or region and from the highest points of leadership to the lowest echelons of our society we have become at home and at ease with our own filth.

At the risk of sounding too much like a magician, pick a point, any point.

Media and News Reporting. The very same media that was deemed reckless and irresponsible on the way it handled the 1st 100 Days is now being lauded as the champions of responsible reporting. Why? Because the hysteria created by the editorializing anchors is acceptable since India (our Jaani Dushman) is in the picture.

Terrorism (Internal). While it was a terrible act of wanton violence, the role of our military was in FATA and Waziristan was unacceptable. Today, it is a welcome action. How does the DOC reconcile this? The earlier rhetoric was fed to us by our enlightened educated brethren so that had to be right. This one is fed to us by our democratically elected government, so that has to be right too.

Terrorism (External). Israel and Palestine are at it again. The story is so worn out and used, that if you were to turn on the TV and found yourself watching archive reports from a few years ago, you would never know the difference. Of course our leadership (intellectual, political and religious) are all doing the same old dance: Israel is bad and must be stopped; Palestine is good and must be allowed to grow terrorists. Yeah yeah yeah. I get it. Sympathy and all. But where was your sympathy when 200 Indians died in Bombay? Again, under conventional morals, you'd feel yourself to be a hypocrite, but under the DOC, you don't feel anything.

If a tree falls in a forrest, does it make a sound? If everyone in a nation loses their moral compass, aren't the ones opposed to this shift in direction the new immoral? Are we allowed to use double-speak because it suits our conscience?

Mirror Mirror on The Wall

2008-12-02T14:05:00.005+05:00

"A most horrifying moment for a being awake is connecting the hole through the heart of a loved one to a smoking gun in the hand.

While it is true that all humans are capable of so much more evil than ever willing to ever accept, the ability to avoid making mistakes does not define the moral stature of the individual. Rather it is the remorse and responsibility felt; the ownership and action taken in response.

Who amongst us can truly look into a mirror, read through the annals of his life and not flinch?"

Excerpt from "The Adventures of Kamil at South Guthka University"

Consider the following:

A people oppressed; a brutal and ruthless oppressor; the immutable will known uniquely as a 'human' quality; an unstoppable oppressive force meets immovable human will to fight to the bitter end.

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present to you the birth of what will soon become terrorism.

Whether it is the killing fields of Chechnya, Darfur, Gaza or Iraq, In the beginning, the principle is always the same. The resistance fighters are always small and nimble, the aggressors are always big and sluggish; the resistance is always using crude and innovative weapons while the aggressors have invested all their faith in technology. Whether you are watching the news or Star Wars, in the beginning, the principle is always the same: Kill us all, or prepare to die. But the laws of physics are blind to right and wrong and inadvertently, technology wins and pushes the rebellion into a tiny little rat cage and displays the primitive rage as a trophy on the evening news. No matter who you are or where you are, we have all participated in this gruesome display. As a child, I used to wonder why all the villagers would flock to watch the beheading of their beloved leaders and why they never stormed the gallows. Today when the echo of gunfire is heard from the living rooms of all -the educated, the illiterate, the wise and the stupid- it is clear.

So a child of rage is born and is tempered by hate, defeat and humiliation. What happens next? Here's the painful part. Here is where planes start flying into buildings, bombs start blowing up in school yards and cafes, people in high-end hotels become targets.

Allow me to digress for a moment...

In Pakistan, it is taboo to speak ill of India. A significant section of our 30-something MBA/multinational-teat-suckling class is especially partial to the successes of India. While they casually ignore facts like how India has one of (if not the) largest slums in the world, the highest poverty rate, they will argue ad nauseam how India is a success. Although it confuses me how success is measured in MBAs, but I know that the quality of life in India, is equal (if not worse) than that of Pakistan. If not, if in fact Indian economy is as great as it claims to be, then why haven't they introduced universal programs such as health care and food distribution? (I know the answers lie somewhere between castes and crackpots, but that would only distract from my point)

With that insurance policy in place, here's my point: Given the state of India, how it too is oppressive -Kashmir is just a single front. Like the US, it too symbolises prosperity and success -at least in the South Asian region. Hasn't it also become an obvious target by the masses that it has alienated? Aren't the Mumbai attacks a culmination of her own policies? I do not condone what happened any more than a diagnosis condones a cancer cell, but can you honestly say that all the violence that India has endorsed in the name of nationalism at the fronts of Kashmir have not come back to haunt her?

I remember reading many years back of a suicide bomber in Israel. Her husband and her son got mixed up (either allegedly or actually) and was murdered in front of her. While it is unclear of their actual involvement, but there is no doubt of the vengeance that burnt her soul...and ended up taking the lives of so many more. Whether you are a soldier at the battle front, a businessman at a hotel lobby, a bus driver taking children to school or tired soul buy fruit at the local market, it is terrible whenever lives are lost to cruelty and vengeance. Terrorism is a zero sum game and eventually engulfs us all -those in uniform and those without.

In the end our children will pay the price for our sins.

Be safe. Be smart.

The Rise and Fall of Pakistan's Intellectual Elite

2008-11-26T03:56:00.005+05:00

It was February 2008. And our intellectual elite spoke for the first time.

After four years of studying at the elite schools of Pakistan; after two years doing an MBA from either the same lot (or going abroad); after their mommy's found them a nice elite intellectual to marry; after working for multinationals (or living abroad) for nearly a decade, the Theetas were ready for a revolution! The nerds (or Theetas as they were called in my day) were ready to inherit the Earth...or Pakistan at least. They were awake, talking on TV news channels and they were pissed off!

There was a time, these were the guys who you hung out with when you wanted a decent grade on your computer science project. At the cost of being seen with them, a handful of dirty jokes and exaggerated tales of all the wild things you could do, these Theetas would gladly put your name on the project submission sheet. And if you got your girlfriend to smile and say hello to them, they might even proxy your name on their FYP.

But no more.

Their sexual deprivation has long since been satiated; they no longer need you to get a clue on how to be cool and hip (they have an overpriced subscription to GQ, thank you very much!); they may have sucked at sports, but they all had an active membership at the local golf course. They are rich, successful and are part of the most coveted club of all -British accented local goras!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, these kids were no longer the bookworms we were so used to ignoring. They may have never stood up to any authority figure in their lives and the only rule they ever broke was skipping a humanities class to work on their FYP, but don't let that fool you. These rebels were rearin' and gearin' to go. Calling the shots, shouting, "Watch out world! Here we come!"

Leading their movement is the Chief Theeta of Pakistan (or CTP) Chaudhry Iftikhar. After spending decades cowering under his mommy's duppata, he finally developed a single lump of courage and decided to stand up to the local bully (and former jock who got all the girls all the time)Pervaiz Musharraf. Pervaiz Musharraf was already losing support, but like all jocks, he did not know when to quit. On the other hand, Theeta's are very ruthless when it comes to hitting people, especially when they are down (it is scientifically proven that girl kicks are most effective when the opponent is lying down, trapped and immobile). Seeing our former leader down was the perfect opportunity. Backed by the money from their rich buddy Nawaz (a former college fatty-paddy and food eating expert) CTP Iftikhar overthrew the evil and wicked dictator.

Then, the nation rejoiced! The Theetas had won. Never before had they ever seen any victory so grand and sweet. Musharraf, that chiseled man had to go. He was broken and defeated. For today, the Theeta's had won!

After running what is arguably the most successful and effective non-violent campaign in the country, things took a U-turn: Theetas have very little (if any) experience with leadership; they have even lesser experience with winning fights. Not knowing what to do with their victory, they allied with Presedent Zardari. In return they were promised all the cookies they could eat. But alas! It was a promise, not a pinkie swear! So they didn't receive any of the cookies they wanted. "We wanted Oreos, but all they gave us were run-of-the-mill bakery coconut swirls!" brayed local Goat/Parrot Wannabe, Ahsan Iqbal. "A swear is a swear," he cried.

President Zardari smiled as he always did and asked Nawaz to meet him at his home. A few months later, after bitter fighting and squabbling and trips to President Zardari's abode, theTheetas abandoned their alliance with President Zardari. Pudgy Nawaz said through a face full of tears, "He used me. He told me that he loved me, but all he wanted was my...I can't say it...he can't treat me like this...I trusted him...I...I...I loved him."

Today, the Theeta's are walking with the sombre humility of a badly beaten and drained out cock that lost a cockfight. Beaten, broken and bent at a painful angle, these cocks don't strut anymore. The ones living in Pakistan have cancelled their memberships to their golf courses for fear of terrorist attacks. Their children are developing a bat like sonar ability from being in the dark all the time. Their international counterparts are busy pretending they are too busy hoping no one will notice their inability to perform. Both are haunted by the deafening screams of the masses who are starting to yearn for the bygone days of Pervaiz Musharraf.

How the mighty have fallen!

Laws of Physics and Power Generation in Pakistan

2008-11-11T10:51:00.009+05:00

This year, on John Travolta's Birthday (that's the 18th of February), the Pakistani people went to the polls. The news media told us that there was overwhelming support for the movement away from the bad times of the Musharraf regime and that this would be a deciding vote. Some even called it an historic vote! The vote, although far from historic, was also touted to be a referendum against the ruling party and Musharraf (or so we were told) and the conclusion drawn was that everyone agreeable blamed the previous regime and Musharraf for all that went wrong with Pakistan.

One item high on the finger-pointing agenda was the shortage of power.

But let me ask you this: was there really a power crises?

Let's walk through the events of the year and see what the media has reported.

1. http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=2008\02\04\story_4-2-2008_pg7_6:

In this report on the 4th of February, Pepco declares (a)IPPs have reduced their output by 1200MW and (b)the countries shortage at 2000MW.

2. http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=2008\02\05\story_5-2-2008_pg13_9:

This one is also from February 2008. Notice how people refer to it as the worst power crisis. Not something you would say if the crises was a continuation from the years before, but surely something you would say if the crisis was new.

3. http://pakistaniat.com/2008/01/03/more-crises-in-pakistan-electricity-flour-sugar-water-sui-gas-crises-what-is-the-way-out/:

This one is from January 2008. Notice how the guy refers to the time frame of the past two weeks.

4. http://www.thenews.com.pk/daily_detail.asp?id=107039:

This one is from April. The government talks about how it will meet it's shortfall of 3000 MW in the next 2-3 years.

5. http://www.dawn.com/2008/05/28/nat29.htm:

This one is from May 28. Watch how the our learned minister boldly delared shelving the Kalabagh Dam project.

6. http://www.dawn.com/2008/07/21/nat23.htm:

This one is from July and talks about how Mirpurkhas is affected by load shedding.

5. http://www.thenews.com.pk/daily_detail.asp?id=135887:

This one is from September 15th this year and talks about riots taking place because of persistent load shedding.

6. http://www.dawn.com/2008/10/20/nat36.htm:

This one is from October abouut Pepco reducing loadshedding from 12 hours a day to 9 hours a day.

7. http://www.dawn.com/2008/10/23/top7.htm:

Here's one from October about KESC and excessive billing.

8. http://www.thenews.com.pk/updates.asp?id=58867:

And this one is from October 30th where the minister for Water and Power declared that loadshedding was reduced to 50%.

So let me see if I understand this:

In January 2008 we had a shortfall of nearly 3000 MW and we were told it was because the previous government didn't build any power plants and 10 months later we have decreased that by 50%.

Can someone explain to me how that happened without setting up new power plants?

Before you respond please bear in mind that the cost of oil increased in the summer...long after our power crisis began.

Clearly the laws of physics (conservation of energy in particular) don't apply in the land of the pure.

Space Elevator - What are Japanese Engineers Up To?

2008-09-23T09:31:00.008+06:00

I just don't get it.

I read an article recently about a space elevator that Japan was attempting to create here.

A space elevator that goes 22,000 miles up and down with a payload in it just seems a bit of a stretch. I didn't say impossible (and let me re-emphasise that: I DID NOT SAY IMPOSSIBLE), but it's a stretch. If it's a standard elevator, then the surrounding structure that would house the elevator would be 22,000 miles tall -which is much taller than the worlds tallest anything- the cable would be longer than worlds longest anything and so on and so forth.

But what if they connect this long long long LONG cable to a stationary satellite on one end and planet Earth on the other end. Okay, so maybe this solves a lot of the engineering effort involved (like building the 22,000 mile structure to house the elevator), but that brings forth another question: why not first use the same technology on something shorter like, oh shall we say, a 10 storey building? Call me stupid, but it just might be a good place to start with before launching off into space...literally!

The real challenge, or so I have read is to "develop cables stronger and lighter than any fibre yet woven, tethered to the ground and disappearing beyond the atmosphere to a satellite docking station in geosynchronous orbit above Earth." You think? I mean with all your fancy degrees, is that the best you can come up with? I suppose you speak of time travel in the same way with "the real challenge being to develop a machine that would help you travel through time."

Look. I love Japanese engineering and it's exciting to see them come up with new gizmos and gadgets every so often. Take the bubblewrap simulator keychain, the ear wax camera cleaner or the keychain pet for example. While the products rank very high in cutsie-poo and forward-this-email-to-other-co-workers, the products -and bear with me- suck big time. Whenever I see a new Japanese electronic gadget, I wonder how many designers behind the MP3 Toilet had their undergrad final year projects cancelled.

Perhaps Japanese engineers have run out of ideas. It might be possible. The Japanese have many feathers in their engineering caps, but innovation is certainly not one of them. If you want something mass produced, give it to a Japanese manufacturer. They can replicate an idea perfectly a million times over, but ask them for a million ideas and they will come up with the Nap Alarm. It annoys me that they are neither victims of terrorist attacks (like the Middle East or southeast Asia) nor are they victims of EOWM (that's Evil Old White Men), with that edge, you'd expect the best of engineering from them.

But perhaps they have too much spare time on their hands. That would certainly explain the Panty Vending Machines from the early 90's. Maybe all they need a sense of direction. Someone to hold their hands and tell them it will be okay. Someone to tell them that even if they don't make the Kit Kat Jar people will still love them. After all, they did give us cheaper and fuel efficient Toyotas.

For the benefit of Japanese engineers, here's a list of the top three inventions I'd like to see come true:

Security Robot Guy: Given the growing number of terrorist attacks, it would be nice to have a robot at checkpoints. While you may add as many features as you would like. My personal favorites are: Kill; Crush; Sonic Scream and anything with zapping laser beams.

Democracy Balancer Robot Guy: My country has recently undergone a democratic regime change, but unfortunately, they picked the same morons who screwed the country over in the first place. A Democracy Balancer Robot Guy (or a DBRG) would eliminate the fools who use their vote to bring the wrong people into power. Suggested features may include: Kill; Crush; Sonic Scream and anything with zapping laser beams.*

*Not to be confused with Politician Balancer Robot Guy. Features are similar, but not the same.

Anti-Rat-Race Rat Guy: How many times has this happened to you? You are born, then you grow up, then you get an education, then you get a job and before you know it someone has slapped a tail on your rear and stapled whiskers on you making you another rat in cage? How many people go to work everyday fantasizing about how great it would be to have their friends job? Anti-Rat-Race Guy is a cybernetic creature that would create a clone of yourself that looks like your best friend. Once the clone is ready, the clone will kill you and your friend and take over his life! Good-bye Rat Race; Hello best friends wife! Suggested features may include: Kill; Crush; Sonic Scream and anything with zapping laser beams.

The Grand Anti-Muslim Alliance (GAMA)

2008-09-09T13:36:00.009+06:00

The Grand Anti-Muslim Alliance (GAMA)
by Khalida Adeeb

INTRODUCTION

Muslims in general (and Pakistanis specifically) take no ownership and show very little responsibility: If things go great, it was our right and our intelligence, if things go sour, it was Allah's will. Responsibility has never been our strong suit and to make matters worse, we have tied our lack of ownership with our religion. This adulteration has reached a dangerous climax where we have convinced ourselves that we have no control over these problems; where all things that go wrong are in fact "Allah's way of punishing the Muslim Ummah who has gone astray." Therefore, we conclude, all our problems are caused by someone else.

Allow me to introduce GAMA, The Grand Anti-Muslim Alliance.

GAMA is a one stop shop for all your villains. No more random abusing and flip-floping. Just close your eyes and curse the GAMA. It's just that simple!

It doesn't matter whether you are educated or not; how you pray (hands folded or not); what your political inclinations are; whether you support the lawyers movement or not or even how you feel towards the Palistinian plight. The root cause to all your problems are a direct result of GAMA, The Grand Anti-Muslim Alliance.

WHO IS GAMA?

GAMA is a very organized and diverse conglomerate of thugs who are hell bent on bringing chaos to Muslim nations in general and to Pakistan specifically. GAMA's membership includes people from all over the world with no discrimination to country, race, origin or faith. Yes! we also have Muslim members!

Notable members are:

The Jewish Lobby (aka yahoodi lobby)
RAW, Mossad, the CIA and the ISI
Sunnis (if you fold your hands while you pray)
Shias (if you do not)
Representative members from almost all sub sects of Islam
The 'agencies' (local only to the Pakistani political parties)
The Anti Democratic Forces of Pakistan (or the ADFP) *

*The ADFP is our latest member and brings to us the causes for PML-N's continuing political failure after the February 18th elections.

So no matter where you are, no matter who you are, GAMA has someone for everyone!

OUR PORTFOLIO

For the fundamentalist Muslims (aka mullahs, aka maulvis) GAMA offers you a unique blend of the US CIA and Mossad with a touch of local Muslims 'who have lost their way and don't know the true meaning of Islam.'

For the intellectual Muslims (grads from the 'notable universities' and Paki's living abroad), we have the Anti-Democratic Forces of Pakistan. Sponsored chiefly by Pervaiz Musharraf and Former Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz, the ADFP comes to us courtesy of the PML-N. After losing out to the PPP in the February elections (and pretty much everything else after that!), the PML-N leadership was unable to find a suitable villain. After many near misses, they finally identified the cause of their failure. It was neither poor politics nor lack of public support, it was ADFP.

For the sada khusboo Muslims/Pakistanis (who belong are sectless, take no sides and are totally inert and neutered), we have introduced YEH. Yeh came to fame with the movement Yeh Hum Nehien and represents the evils committed by the majority of Muslims and Pakistanis. These evils include suicide bombings, Karo-Kari, Sihaal and littering. So if you are a frustrated local without any real problems, look no further Yeh is waiting for your abuse.*

Yeh comes in three formats: (i) Yeh Muslim; (ii) Yeh Pakistan and (iii) Yeh Paki Muslim. Plese select your appropriate pakage when ordering.

HOW TO ORDER
GAMA offers two main product lines:

GAMA NOVICE
GAMA PRO

GAMA Novice - $25 for 3 months
(Recommended for religious and political newbies)

No more thinking!
Tired of thinking whose fault it is? This package will allow you to register upto three villains for three months. During this period you will receive periodicals and literature fanning your hate and increasing your apathy level. No more thinking and evaluating right from wrong. Just read the literature and maintain your mental status quo.

No more TV Browsing
Tired of surfing cable TV looking for a show that reflects your personal opinions? GAMA Novice will publish timings of shows from GEO, AAJ and Business Plus that truly reflect your opinon! No more accidental tuning to the wrong anchorperson who is on your favorite villains payroll.

GAMA PRO - $150 per year
(Recommended for the opinionated and well-informed)

All the Villains in the Palm of your Hand
With GAMA PRO, you are automatically subscribed to our entire villain database! Find the baddie for all your banes!

SubClassess and Sub SubClasses
Why blame the government when you can blame the Prime Minister? Why blame the military when you can blame the Chief of Army Staff? GAMA Pro also allows you to fine tune your blaming to include subclasses and sub subclasses.

TV Schedule on your Calendar
With GAMA Pro you can synchronize your calendar to our TV Schedule server and we will automatically populate your calendar. You won't miss your favorite talking head again!

SMS Alerts
What is more important that filling your mind with agony and hate? Absolutely nothing! With GAMA Pro, you can receive SMS Alerts of your favorite hate shows. Never forget to hate again!

So come one and come all! A world of conformity awaits you!

Alanis Morisette

2007-09-25T11:37:00.001+05:00

Alanis Morrisette has the appeal of a burnning manequin. Is she anything more than the Celine Dion of rock?

Please. I have nothing against Canadians, but please please keep your female vocalists off the air.

Thanks!

Just when you thought it was safe to put away your umbrellas...

2007-08-22T11:19:00.000+05:00

Rain, rain go away...no seriously, just go away!

Well she's back; fiercer than ever this time. It seems like the monsoon is pissed and she's got a bone to pick with Karachi.

It was a pleasant day yesterday. It was overcast enough wear your sunglasses on your head. Everyone at work was thinking of picnics and getting home. Then the news started pouring in (no, pun intended!). Initially there was some relief when the met office began predicting rain (they are almost always predicting the exact opposite of what will happen), but then it seemed their horse was going to cut the finish line after all. (Lets take a moment to congratulate them on their first correct prediction. Hurray for the Met office!)

I was holding my breath till late at night when there was not a drop of rain in sight (unless you lived in the Defence/Clifton area where DHA was still hoarding the rain water from a ten day old rain spell), but at around 5.00am in the morning, the rain came down.

The PECHS area had little or no electricity problems and ditto for the Nursery/Block 6, New and North Karachi and the Gulshan/Nazimabad areas. The same cannot be said about the 'better' *nyuck*nyuck* areas of Karachi, i.e. Defence and Clifton.

This is one of those weird and crazy moments when you can thank god you're struggling middle class in a crazy 3rd world country.

I would like to thank Mr. Mustafa Kamal (thats the city Nazim for you DAWN readers) for keeping his word and taking care of the better half of the city. *wink*wink*

Here area shot of the CDGK working.

What they are doing is cutting through the island to relieve the water stuck on one side of the road to the other. Not the smartest thing to do, but I'm sure motorcyclists will thank them for months to come.

Here's a before and after shot. This picture was taken at around 10.30am.

And this one was taken at 11.10am.

Rain Rain Go Away...

2007-08-11T10:31:00.000+05:00

It doesn't take much to destabilize the great city of Karachi does it?

Rain, thugs, politicians, it seems like everyone is out to get the poor city.

If only there was a way to keep the unsavory elements out...hmmm....that would probably mean a city totally and completely empty!