The Brave Green Chicken

Revolution: Day by Day [Part I]

2012-01-22T12:32:00.002+05:00

Day 1

Imagine if you got a call at 11.30am and realized that youhad to leave your home or face imminent death at the hands of a mob that wasturning violent? Imagine, if you can, the fear as you packed your family andyour life. Would you lock the door to your house? What would you take with you?Imagine getting in your car, the looks on your childrens' faces –daughter 8 andson 4– in the rearview mirror and the way they will look to you for directionand answers. What would you say to them? Where would you go?

You drive to the outskirts of the city with the hordes ofpeople. As youcircle with other confused and shocked people you exchange stories, news and rumours of what is happening. Over the next several hours, more and more peoplepour in tipping the scales away from any hope of return. The sound of gunfireand shelling and the sight of smoke in the general direction of where you livedpaint the landscape.

In less than half a day you went from being a talented and skilled employee of a notable technology outfit to a faceless refugee in the international media.

It's only 8pm,Under this sky, you now have to sleep.

Day 2

The morning starts at sunrise. The evolution has turned backto when the day was measured by the height of the sun and not the quarter inchmarkers on our watches. You have not cellphones that work, no internetconnectivity and your children need breakfast. The words "potable drinkingwater" become significant as your job, your qualification and your salarybecome meaningless. As you wonder what to do next, the news, rumors andcontinue to stream in, the number of people continue to grow. More and morepeople are coming with more and things that you should have packed. Just as youponder the could-have and should-have you hear the news: unrest within yourmakeshift camp. Someone got robbed, another is looking for their 7-year old,someone is in need of medical care. 30 years of your hardwork and socialprogress has come to this.

You leave your family behind wishing you had more malemembers –how quickly you turn into a sexist realizing that women need a mans’protection- repeatedly instructing your frightened and dirty children not towander too far away from their mother. You head back towards your home. Youexpect deserted streets, but they are littered with looters. The very peoplewho held doors open for you, the invisible and insignificant souls, are nowarmed and on a looting spree. You recognize a driver, a servant, a maid and apeon and realize how much the hierarchies of the social order have turned:today they have more command and control than you did. You try to ignore thescreams –some of them by women and others by children– and press on as you mustprovide for your family first.

What seems like a day is just several hours. You duck firesand looters and people who need help and make your way home. Thankfully, ourhome in untouched. What do you take with you? A radio? But you stopped buyingthose years ago. You pack food, blankets and water. You notice a few toys forthe children and you pick them up. As you make your way to your car, you hear aloud rumbling sound followed by a loud explosion that rocks you where youstand. You throw what you can inside your car and drive away forgetting to lockyour house, forgetting to fasten your seatbelt. As you zoom away you can hearthe dim sound of people charging, storming and breaking glass. You again avoidand duck through making your way back to the encampment. While you aged alifetime, but you only spent a dozen hours –far less time than you spend atwork during crunch time.

At the camp, your family moved from their original location,but you find them anyway. Your wife has made some friends and you realize thatyou forgot some essential items –medicine, clothes and money. You also have alist of items but that list is very different than your wife’s list. On it youhave a weapon, gasoline and a lantern.

You stand guard over your family doing your best to avoidanswering the questions your children keep asking you. Can you see the fear intheir eyes? The questions?

What do we do now?

2011-04-22T14:40:00.006+05:00

Our nation is either "illiterate and suffering" or "literate and disconnected". Both are armed and both are dangerous. There have been several debates and discussions (many have evolved into serious arguments as well) on Facebook and elsewhere over the various wrangling of our political landscape. The feelings about the popular players is summarized as follows:

Pervaiz Musharraf: Our new favorite villain. He did nothing good and that only bad came out of his rule. He is the new Zia-ul-Haq. The words traitor and criminal are commonly associated with him.
Nawaz Sharif: Our new rising star. The new promise of Pakistan. He is credited with having saved the judiciary and is perpetrated to have the power to bring the current government to its knees. If the media readings are correct, he's pure as Snow White.
The PPP (Current Government): Corrupt. Corrupt. Corrupt. Bad people. Incompetent people and they all must go…but they must stay till they complete their term in power. They will destroy the country, rob it blind and the must go…but they must stay till they complete their term in power. Swiss cases, corruption cases never-keep-their-word-baddy-bad-baddies…but they must stay till they complete their term in power.

But this is an old hat that our TV anchors pass on from one news hour to another and it’s one worn proudly by the community of New Age Intellectuals of Pakistan [READ: Educated Elite]. The TV talking heads have been beating this horse for over 3 years now and what more can anyone say that hasn’t already been talked to death? One question comes to mind that few have asked and has (till date) never been answered: Where do we go from here? Many have attempted to ask this and many have attempted to answer this, but two sentences into the answer and the political leanings and/or the blind spot of the narrator begins to appear. By the third sentence, the answer is no different than the rhetoric that our politicians, religious leaders and social leader spew out.

So the question still remains unanswered: Where do we go from here?

Before we proceed, let's establish a few ground realities and facts. They may suck and you may argue them, but this is rationale that cannot be disputed:

We are poor, illiterate and pathetic. We need the approval and acceptance of the international community and we need their financial assistance to support us. Without such support we cannot survive. We lack the infrastructure and institutional support for the short-term and we lack the will to make anything work in the long term.
We cannot compare ourselves to other successful nations. Pakistan and Pakistani's have serious problems with identity and the concept of unity. We are divided across religious sects, regional borders, language and (most recently) party lines. We are NOT one nation and no group is larger than a few hundred thousand, before it starts to crumble into splinter groups. These nations that we love to squeeze our names next to have no such problem. China, India and the US have no such national identity issues.
The television media is not your ‘honest best friend’. That is not to say that that which is presented (and whom it is presented by) is your ‘lying enemy’. Just like you don't believe everything that lands in your email inbox, know that you need to develop some sort of a spam filter for whenever you watch anyone who is paid to offer his opinion.
The self-proclaimed upholders of Islam within Pakistan (many of whom have now have their own TV shows) are not to blindly trusted. In the very least, take their advice with extreme caution and be very suspicious of what their true intents are. Again, anyone who gets paid to tell you what to think requires some serious background checking.

With all that said let's proceed.

Firstly, understand that the past is history and is not relevant on a day to day actionable basis. While there is something to be said about catching criminals and making them pay (yada yada yada), our priority must and only be the present and the future. That is the job of the superior courts and public prosecutors. Any politician, talk show host, religious representative that talks about the something that someone did 5, 10 or 15 years ago is only distracting you and wasting our national collective time. Learn to tune these people out.

Secondly, there are no sides here. You can like something about a certain politician/dictator, but at the end of the day, everyone has done enough damage to be equally distrusted. Just because our TV history is near sighted and cannot see further back more than a 5 years, does not mean a decade ago we were in paradise. Pakistan sucked 10 years ago, 20 years ago and 30 years ago. It’s a safe bet that anything and everything went downhill after the early 70’s. In the entire history of this nation we have seen a host of politicians and dictators and no one managed to create a state where nobody wants their kids to grow up in. That fact alone speaks volumes of how the leadership of today have fared as many have long political roots into the past.

Thirdly, understand the relationship between a dictator and democratic leaders in the Pakistani context: In Pakistan, a dictator has always come from inept democratic leadership and inept democratic leadership has always been the outcome of a dictator. To debate which is worse and which came first is like arguing what came first; the chicken or the egg? Again, recognize that anyone who uses the argument "Half the time this country was ruled by dictators" is only distracting you from the fact that the other half of Pakistan’s rule was under politicians who didn't do anything better then the dictators that they are lamenting. Also, do not forget that it were these very politicians that picked the generals who later became dictators. While you are free to argue which is preferred, they are both bad for the country: A stupid politician who makes bad choices and an over ambitious general who thinks he can do better.

Finally, some donts:

Don't sell yourself short while picking a leader. Leaders are like cars. It's better to be undecided than to buy a lemon. Whatever you chose you will be stuck with for the next several years. Don’t vote and let your absent ballot count.

Don't pick leaders who surround themselves with, or support the actions of, stupid people. Anyone who condones something within their party, but criticizes the same actions when done in another party is not to be trusted. Case in point every democratic party in Pakistan –except for the Therik-e-Insaaf– has a chairman that cannot be challenged and replaced. So the champions of democracy aren’t really practicing it in their own backyards.

Don't pick leaders who do not have verified academic credentials. No matter how much you love him, no matter how much you care, if he has less than 16 years of graduated academics, then he is out. Let it be said that an uneducated leader in is simply unacceptable.

Know the difference between the 'educated' and 'degree holders'. Some of the smartest people I went to college with are also the most selfish bastards I know. Understand that while a degree offers some credence to a candidates’ qualification, it does not say much for his interest in the welfare of the common people of Pakistan. If he has no stakes in Pakistan and has the bulk of his assets abroad, then he is not to be trusted.

Don't go for leaders who have no social accomplishments. Ask yourself: what have they done for the country. Ask how he will help the common man (you know, the guy who travels by bus?) and what will he do for the country is he wins? And most importantly, ask what will he do for the country is he loses?

Don't pick leaders who spread hate. Given the state we are in -illiterate, poor and pathetic- there are no sides. If you ever find yourself leaning towards one party or another, take a step back and ask yourself some hard hitting question: always question your support for your leadership. You can do that if you just listen to what he has to say and what he has to offer. If he is just up on the screens to argue for his party, if his views are closed minded and non-secular, if he's an agitator and only complains about the current regime, then drop him.

If you have 16 years of education but less than 20 years of working experience, you are a special group of individuals. While you have not yet started, it is still not too late. You need to stop focusing inwards and start looking outwards. If you are abroad, make your goal to create jobs within Pakistan. If you can't, make your objective to find one individual every year work wherever you live. If you are in Pakistan, force your company to hire from the broader pool of fresh graduates -not just from expensive schools- and push your companies to grow. This will strengthen your own position as well as create new opportunities within your organization. If you work for a multinational corporation pool your funds with other friends and setup or support entrepreneurial projects. Chances are you have degrees in business administration: use them.

Pakistan is rife with opportunity and each opportunity seized makes life a little more bearable for the have-nots. It's a win-win situation. All we need to do is get off our asses and do it.

There are no right or wrong choices; just ones that you will have to live with.

Rabbi Shergill - Bulla Ki Jaana

2010-12-19T17:37:00.001+05:00

Watch Bulla Ki Jaana on YouTube

Bulleh! to me, I am not known

Not a believer inside the mosque, am I

Nor a pagan disciple of false rites

Not the pure amongst the impure

Not in the holy Vedas, am I

Nor in opium, neither in wine

Not in the drunkard's craze

In happiness nor in sorrow, am I

Neither clean, nor a filthy mire

Not from water, nor from earth

Neither fire, nor from air, is my birth

Bulleh! to me, I am not known

Not an Arab, nor Lahori

Neither Hindi, nor Nagauri

Hindu, Turk (Muslim), nor Peshawari

Secrets of religion, I have not known

From Adam and Eve, I am not born

I am not the name I assume

I am the first, I am the last

None other, have I ever known

I am the wisest of them all

Bulleh! What purpose do I stand for?

Bulleh! to me, I am not known

Neither Moses, nor the Pharoh

Niether awake, nor in a sleeping daze

Neither fire, nor from air

Nor do I live in Nadaun

Not in stillness, nor on the move

Bulleh! What purpose do I stand for?

Bulleh! to me, I am not known

Religious Education: An Oxymoron

2010-09-30T18:50:00.006+05:00

Religious Intolerance Begins at School

1. ARGUMENT

A 3-year old goes to school -pre-school, prep, Montessori, nursery, playgroup take your pick- and a month later he has learn't how to recite the pehla kalma, the first Islamic prayer a Muslim must learn/recite to become a Muslim. This becomes a matter of pride for the parents and they proceed to parade him before grandparents, uncles, aunts cousins and friends no differently than a street performer would parade his little monkey.

That's all fine and well, I suppose. No harm done and some decadent pleasure for the parents. But there is a problem. The pehla-kalma is different for different sects within Pakistan. The major sects here are the suni's and the shia's primarily, but many other minority sects such as Ismaili's and Ahmedi's are part of the landscae as well. So consider the psychological impact on a 3-year old Ahmedi or Ismaili or Shia child who learns a different pehla kalma at home then he does at school.

And what of the Parsi, Hindu and Christian 3-year olds? What pehla kalma do our schools teach them? No matter how you measure this activity, no matter what your calculation and no matter what your argument, religion in school for a 3-year old results in ostracizing minority groups against the schools predominant religious practice. The only way to avoid it is keep all 3-year olds pigeon boxed into schools where 'everyone is the same', that itself is a form of self-ostracizing.

The problems of formal religious training as compared to formal education are discussed below.

2. THE LIFECYCLE OF RELIGIOUS EDUCATION

Primary religious education, when children are 3-6 years of age, is all about rote and mimicry. The entire concept of religious learning is dependent upon childrens' ability to repeat and cram. At the very early stages it comes in the form of learning basic prayers (kalma,dua and ayat). While the children have no understanding of what they are preforming, they receive accolades and praise nonetheless. As the child grows up and begins to grasp the ideas and concepts, the same prayers become akin to spells and magic words ala Harry Potter, but unlike the movies, these spells don't work consistently.

During the ages of 7-12, they realize that there is more cramming and little practice. The practice is not practical and the theory is not visible in the society. The schooling focus at this point is more cramming and reinforcement. The fear of hell is also introduced about this time as a just-in-case-you-stray-from-the-flock.

By the early teens, children are already armed with prayers and many have already begun to experience the inconsistent performance (of their prayers). Here a dichotomy between their academic religion and practiced religion is born. Most start to treat as another cram-subject like Pak Studies and several years later they will know it to be no different (in the Matric system they both have the same weightage in exams). The real problem, however, is that most have already distanced themselves from it and turned it into an event based and circumstantial requirement: a celebration, a death a time of year or the weekly prayer.

By their late teens, unless their households are strictly fundamentalist, they are not interested past the superficial. The prayers don't work and the concept that 'God had other plans' doesn't stick anymore. This is where the final separation contract between the individual and religion takes place. An agreement is made that so long as religion doesn't interfere with the individuals daily life (a few prayers and the fasting is acceptable; standing up for whats right without fear is not acceptable), the individual pledges allegiance to the cause.

From here on, the individual will enjoy all membership privileges -social acceptance and a conscience counselling- with no burdens to bear -do good onto your fellow man; resist and struggle against forces that cause pain and suffering.

3. MAJOR DIFFERENCES BETWEEN FORMAL RELIGIOUS TEACHING VERSUS MODERN EDUCATION

In the context of formal education (schools, colleges and universities), religion and education are quite the opposite. While education allows you to explore the different facets and idea put forth, religion letterboxes you to cramming and accepting that what has been decreed. In religious learning you may challenge a sacred text, but (a)it is discouraged and (b)you do not have the option to declare it void or invalid. Education, however, has no such compunction and everything is open to challenge.

Measure of Excellence

A major difference between the two is the measure of excellence in religion vs the measure of excellence in education. Religion is (often) a final and sealed book and testament. There is no room for improvement as it would be seen as a deviation which is not sustainable in the long term. Excellence in practiced religion comes from regularity and discipline in observing rituals and customs while excellence in the academics of religion is measured primarily in two points: rote and the conviction. Rote is the measure of how much can be copied to and regurgitated from memory in the exact same format, language and tense.The conviction is measured by how far an individual is willing to go to stick to his own interpretation of a theory, idea or concept prescribed in religion. The believer may abandon all common sense and logic to prove the point and the more vehement the defense, the greater the excellence. Refusal to concede to another argument in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary is religious excellence. Insulting or proving an opponent wrong is the highest level of commitment.

Excellence in formal education has more to do with hard work, innovation and proof which is quite to opposite to what religious excellence has to do. If one can come up with something new, different unique, unpopular of idea you have accomplished excellence. Please note that this is not just restricted to the sciences, but to arts as well. If you so strongly disagree with a notion, idea or a concept, then you are free to challenge it and present your own thesis. Each thesis will be confronted with an antithesis which eventually leads to a synthesis -of the thesis and the antithesis- which, in turn give birth to a new thesis.

Blasphemy

All religions have the concept of blasphemy. The dark ages are called so because the religious dominance did not allow science to grow. Galileo being the most prominent victim of the time. Even today religion takes on the role of deciding what is acceptable what what is taboo. Divorce, homosexuality, cross-faith marriage, theory of evolution and so on. In the most harmless cases, violating diktats is often met with admonishment, ostracizing and segregation. In the more extreme cases, the punishment comes down to killing and maiming.

Formal education has no such compunction. So long as you can defend your point of view with fact and argument (as opposed to sacred text and conjecture); so long as your can present your case on the basis of analytics instead of rhetoric, you are free to explore whatever you wish without fear for loss of liberty or life.

Importance of Rote in Religious Learning Compared to Formal Education

Many argue that rote is essential in both forms. The problem is that religious training is all about rote while formal education systems use rote as a mechanism to build future concepts on. Numbers and alphabets are taught through rote, however, they are enhanced and furthered immediately (within a year or two) with concepts that build on them. Numbers turn into addition and subtraction and alphabets turn into words.

In religious learnings, the dua and ayats remain the same. The phela kalma will remain the pehla kalma and will only be replaced with the doosra kalma. The former has no bearing on the successor and it is certainly not the enhancement or evolution or even growth of an idea: The 3-year old didn't understand the concept of "there is only one god" anymore than the 4-year old understood the concept of "bearing witness". Additionally, these concepts have no practical significance. The child will not be anymore patient, kind, honest or sharing as a result of memorizing these duas (which, I assume is the purpose of teaching religion) and will be the same brat or angel he was at home.

So why all the emphasis on rote? Given that only bad can come out of this -teaching a 3-year old that his best friend is a shia/sunni is pretty awful- why engage in a futile activity that only adds pressure to a young mind that is only just beginning to see life without his parents? The reason is that most religion practiced and propagated is rote and rhetoric. Islamic prayers are in Arabic while most Muslims don't speak it as their native language. The school-version of the Islamic religion is about hellfire and the wrath of god. Everything is measured by that yardstick. But once you hit 35 everyone talks about how you need to help your fellow man.

My question is why not start teaching children with that lesson? There is a reason why there is a decline in social and community involvement by individuals and an increase in blind religious fervor and practice.

4. DEBATE VS PREACHING

I have always wondered why the more controversial subjects of Islam are never discussed at public forums? The fact that women can't bear witness equal to men, that a widowed mother doesn't control the inheritance, that men can hit their wives but the reverse is never true. The fact is that there is no debate concept of debate amongst the masses and the 'commoners' in religion. You need to be 'special' or at least part of a 'special group' to have a debate over an issue.

In contrast, education encourages learning through debate and discussion. Where religious training is an effort to 'prove' the teacher is right, while religion requires all minds to (eventually) submit and subject to what is the final truth, education says, "if you have a better idea, put some work into it and lets see what you have." Education encourages redefinition while religious training is all about reaffirmation.

5. CONCLUSION

Should religion be taught at schools? The answer is no. Religion should be taught at mosques and temples and churches. Education and religious learning are two very different concepts and must be kept separate: Education nourishes the mind and religion the soul. Rather than have our schools produce jack-of-alls, we should hold our mosques to the task. However, the best way for anyone to learn about religion is from their own family. It is already established that there is no single accepted version of any religion, so given that religion is a personal choice, why enforce it at a public forum such as a school?

Young minds are fresh and honest. We should struggle to maintain that. Give them an environment where they can explore the world they will one day inherit and keep that environment devoid of elements that would make them learn the differences they have. As parents, why don't you take the responsibility to train them religiously? Religion has no homework and (Most of the times) just one single book. A few hours a week would impart far more religious wisdom (and customized to your household version!) than a month at school. But most of the times that doesn't happen because the parents themselves aren't religiously inclined themselves.

Religion is a way of life whereas education is learning how things work and things happen the way they do. Children live at home and study at school.

The segregation is obvious.

The Once-Popular Blonde Cheerleader - Pakistan's 'Educated Generation'

2010-08-27T15:03:00.000+05:00

Why Pakistan is Doomed

In the life cycle of all systems, countries and institutions come to a point where they must either move towards stability or further destabilisation. Once crossed towards instability, they must return back to that point or, in the very least, retard the speed away from it.

Pakistan is a speeding bullet in the wrong direction.

Consider the following:

Our parents' generation had squat! They saw a brutal dictatorship (not the soft one we saw), watched the country split in two, had their prime minister hung and lived through 3 wars. But despite all that, they were better Pakistani's than we can ever hope to be.

They were tolerant and moderate Muslims who neither screamed kill the infidel. They said their prayers, observed their fasts and did what they understood best in the name of religion. They were neither fanatical nor overly dismissive. They walked that fine line where they kept their religion to themselves and respected others who followed a different path.
They were decent and honest, and were far less hypocritical. If they hated India or the US they stayed away, if not they watched their movies and moved on. Even though video stores were illegal (yep! the whole of the 80's they were illegal), no one burned down a store because it sold Indian videos or such.
They were true patriots. They loved, respected and worked for their land- even with 'meager' degrees from 'not notable' universities, they managed to hold the now sinking ship of Pakistan together.

Before you go stampeding towards Google to quote incidences of indecency and violence during that era, please understand that I am talking of a the overall mood, not the news flashes. While there may have been moments (days, weeks, months) of violence, but the people, the office goers, the middles class, the majority was never engaged in any form extremism -either on a social level, moral or religious level. They were who they were and they were content with that.

Now lets look at our current generation of late-twenty-somethings-and-beyond:

These people have only known democracy, reliable and quality academic options (READ: notable universities), a growing economy, the IT and telecom revolution and a media revolution. They have all the advantages that the previous generation did not have, yet our country is spiraling out of control. Why?

The reason is because they are nothing more than a bunch of lazy ass whiners: They supported this government. Let me say that again: THEY BROUGHT THIS GOVERNMENT INTO POWER and now they very conveniently and tongue-in-cheek complain about the President? Apparently all their MBAs and fancy-pants education never taught them about "SUCCESSION PLANNING." In their eagerness to get rid of the previous evil vicious dictator, they overlooked the vultures waiting in the wings saying, "Go ahead, kids...get rid of him...come to me...I'll take real nice care of you...reeeeeaal niiiiice care."

But fine, maybe they screwed up, do they admit it?

No. Just like Fox News and the likes who tied 9/11 to Saddam Hussein and then also very conveniently mumbled an inaudible apology (can you say WMDs?), these disgusting and disgraceful people have dusted their hands and gone back to their drawing rooms. Where is their rage against the machine now?

Consider this. In the period around 2007-2008

The only other word they loved more than CEO was CJP. Where are their voices now?
The entire push towards JUMHOORIAT was the only thing that could save us. So today, when it has been established that the power crisis was (and still is) manufactured, that the food crises (wheat, sugar) were manufactured, that the economic stability of the previous regime WAS NOT manufactured, that this government is irresponsible with it's spending control, where are their cries for even handedness now? Where is the rage of the people now?
The elected leadership is filled with fake (READ: Fraudulent) degrees, where is their outrage now?

They never cared. It was a phase that they were going through. Today, they are nothing more than a once-popular blonde cheerleader who got *ahem* used by the same football team she rooted for. Today she doesn't like to talk about it, except in the comfort of other cheerleaders that also rooted the same team.

It's game over for Pakistan. The data shows that the trend-lines are all heading south -not just for the winter, but all the summers following.

Don't hold your breath.

Why the iPhone is better than the Symbian and the Android

2010-06-12T13:21:00.008+05:00

The Fall of Symbian Software

The Nokia philosophy is about size and crap: How much crap can you stuff in something small. As far back as 5 years ago their phones were the fastest and most feature packed, but how many apps were developed for it and how many of them were used? Samsung, LG and all the other phone companies followed the Nokia wave. The sophisticated users would download the occasional app (or 'software' as it was called back then) use it and then get rid of it. The most common apps, sorry, softwares used were 'Consolidated IMs' where you could use a single platform to login to your several IM accounts.

Now while this practice was common amongst the software engineering types (and the wannabe-techie types who wanted to showcase their latest cellphones), no one else really cared to use their phones for anything more than calling and texting. Five years ago, the average cellphone was already sophisticated enough to support most (if not all) the applications currently selling right now. But back then, no one wanted to use them, much less pay for them. Why?

To reiterate and emphasize my point (and disgust towards the symbian devices): while there were millions of applications available for symbian devices, how many of the common users actually used it in their everyday lives? How many people even thought of using an phone software to search for a restaurant? Even if one were to say ZERO, the answer would still be well within the margin of error.

Now hold that thought.

Enter the iPod

When Apple launched the iPod, the market was FLOODED with mp3 players. I remember flipping through the 2001 (or was it 2002?) edition of the Guiness book of world records and noted that Rio Diamond was the largest selling mp3 player at the time. Then came the iPod and the world did everything but smash their old mp3 players and adopted this new and amazing device. What was so different about the iPod? What new technology did Steve Jobs concoct in his secret Apple labs? What did he do to put all mp3 players (and phone that already had mp3 playing capabilities) to rest?

How did the iPod icon become the defacto symbol for portable music?

The answer is simple: no device that works in isolation can be a success and no device that incorporates the consumers daily lives will be a failure. It's all about usability. Without it, your mp3 player is nothing more than just a fancy tape recorder and your cellphone is nothing more than cordless phone with a HUGE range.

Consider this: What if Apple launched iPod, but didn't release iTunes. Imagine using an iPod without iTunes? Imagine having to manually copy your music to your device memory or using some clutchy Nokia-type application to copy and update your playlists. Now lets see what Apple did. With iTunes, Apple gave you something that you could listen to music at home. To those who were used to using WinAmp (remember that?) iTunes seemed a bit strange and lacked the control over file storage that they were used to. Loading and syncing files became a new and strange experience. Even playlists didn't make much sense. Then you connect it to your iPod and BOOM! your world changes and suddenly you can take the music that you listen to at home (on your computer) out with you (on your iPod). The integration became seamless.

No new technology. No new features. Just an simplified user experience. My music is my music: at home and on the go.

So the reason why Nokia and the rest screwed up (even though they were all in the market far longer than Apple with far more sophisticated gadgetry) was because they never thought of making the user experience simple. Nokia, I'm sure, never even thought the iPod and iTunes would ever be threat.

Now go back to that thought I asked you to hold on to.

The iPhone vs Symbian

When apple launched the iPhone, the phone rushed to embrace it. I'm sure most were just iPod users buying the latest coolest iPod that had a phone in it. But what also happened was that there was a FLOOD of iPhone app developers. The common average guy was now talking about his/her favorite app. Today, 3 years later, people regularly use their iPhone app (yep, it's not called software anymore) to find where they want to eat, what movies are on, listen to music and even watch videos. In fact, people have set up entire businesses around developing iPhone apps and make good money selling them. Bear in mind: these users aren't in the least bit sophisticated; these are your average man-on-the-street users.

So why did the average user so comfortable with apps when he didn't with software? Symbian OS had apps coming out of the woodwork half a decade before the iPhone came out and their phones have a far deeper penetration than iPhones have. While common sense would dictate it to be the other way around -more devices, more apps- but the people of the world don't see it that way and the reason is once again a simplified user experience: downloading and using an app vs downloading, installing and using software.

When you pay for a symbian device, you are just buying a fancy phone, but when you buy an Apple product, you are paying for the system of iTunes and the online app store...you're just think you are paying for the device.

The Grandmother Test

I always like to test things and my Apple products are no exception. It has been my experience that with an Apple product, 15 minutes out of the box the user (who may have never used a handheld device before) knows exactly where everything is and how everything will work. This brings me to my Grandmother Test.

Imagine Alan Smith recently went away on a trip where he had taken some photos. Alan does the whole Facebook and Flickr sharing for his social network connections and he does the whole email-large-zip files to his not-connected-but-email-using connections. But the question remained: how does he show his photos to his 80 year old grandmother -the one who still likes to "hold" pictures in her hand. So Alan loads them into an iTouch and navigates to the photo albums and places the device in her hand. 15 minutes later she can navigate the photos can also browse photos in other albums. The next day she sees videos of her great-grand kids in the park and the day after Alan takes a picture of her and sends it to someone. She may not understand email and she may not understand smart devices, but she sure as hell can use a iTouch.

Could Alan give her the same experience with any device? Probably not.

Why Android Devices are Unimpressive
When Alan went to buy a camera, his friends told him to get one with 8Megapixels....no 10 Megapixels...no 12...and so on. Alan was not planning to shoot pictures for billboards, nor was he planning to photograph the President for the cover of Time magazine. He just wanted to take pictures of his family and his kids' birthdays. How would a 12 Megapixel camera help?

What would help is if his camera would make it easier to transfer photos to his computer. What would help even more is if there was a software on his computer that would integrate with his camera and allow him to touch up his pictures (just a little bit) and send them out to his friends, family and social networks. Thats all he needs to do. Nowhere does he need a 5MB file that is too large to send.

With this in mind, listen to the argument I get from Android aficionado: "It has a
a GigaHertz processor." What on earth would I need to do on my handheld that would require a GigaHertz processor? Not very long ago my desktop machine was that fast, can I use my handheld to perform all the tasks I did back then? If the answer is no, then I am paying for something that I will clearly not need or use.

The only fascination I had that kept me waiting for the Android was I wanted to see Google do something new. And that is where it fell flat. The iPhone has impeccable usability and is arguably the most user friendly handheld device ever and the Android looks and acts like an imitation. I can't think of one reason why I would trade in an iPhone for an Android because there isn't one. The Nexus One should be renamed to iPhone-wannabe. The Android is not a bad device, but it certainly is NOT a good one. A few problems that I discovered in the first ten minutes were as follows:
The Touch Buzz: They have added this 'buzz' which vibrates the phone on performing certain actions. This idea is as dumb as the Blackberry's touch phone. In the BBerry you have to 'touch' the icon on your screen and then 'press' the screen. Both features -the buzz and the press- are tacky uses of technology.
Removing Email Accounts: Single handedly the worst implementation of adding and removing email accounts. If you are using the native email client, then you need to go to Setting->Privacy and (get this!) place your finger on the account and hold it there and then you will get the option to delete the account. Did they hire the Mario Bros. game designing team to come up with their functionality? There is no way I would have figured that out unless I read their manual or Googled it online.
Menu bar: The phone has four touch-buttons at the bottom. One has an arrow that takes you back, one for menu options, one is home and the last one is for search. Now the Search button always does the same thing and the home button always does the same thing. The other two may or may not work depending on where you are and what you are doing. If you are going to put buttons I can see all the time, then at least make sure i can use them all the time.
Login/Logout: If you use their software called "Google Mail" and log in to your account, there is no way to log out. The only way that I could find was to restore the phone to it's factory settings.
I have used a tons of handheld apps and I think it's safe to say that HTC products are amongst the worst of the lot...except for WinMobile of course. Android has done to software on a device what Nokia did with their products: jam as much crap as you possibly can into one small space. Perhaps they are new, perhaps it is just the start, but it's a pretty crappy start.

For now, in the handheld wars, I think the iPhone has the best bang for buck.

Dial Tone

2010-03-28T15:11:00.000+05:00

As a child growing up in the Middle East, Naseer Ahmed could barely recall a power failure. He had spent 15 of his 37 years there. On the odd occasion when the power did fail, it was a moment of celebration. Naseer and his brothers would get their flashlights and run around their apartment building playing 'jedis' with light saber and such. Nothing fazes you out when you're a kid.

There was this one time though, when the power died and Naseer heard the phone ring. He was surprised and amazed and equally shocked: in his world the telephone was an electrical device and needed electricity to run. Naseer called his best friend who lived a few buildings down (who also had no power) and found him to be just as amazed to learn that the phones worked even when the power was out. They talked for what seemed to be an eternity about the new Apple 2e computer games, TV shows and comic books.

Then he grew up and moved back to Pakistan. Naseer leant the difference between AC and DC and, as he continued to read, he learnt of the difference between power supply that powered the light bulbs in his house and the power supply that powered his telephone.

One evening, early in the summer of 2010, there was a power failure that disrupted power supply to over half the city. When he came home that evening, the shrill cacophony of complaints from his family began to thunder in his ears. His neighborhood had a power failure that lasted over 6 hours - at a single stretch! And this, he was told was in addition to the 3-4 hours of load-shedding earlier during the day. There was still no power and consequently, no water just chaos.

Naseer tuned out his family and began the rituals of unpacking from his work mode to his home mode. Changing, unpacking and putting things away as he pretended to be involved with his family's day. His thoughts, however, were still captivated to that power failure some 25 years ago. He thought of shadow puppets he made and how his older brother had taped soda cans on his flashlight with their tops and bottoms cut out to make a sort of aiming sight. Soon enough, he found himself yearning to be a kid again, even if for just a little while. The nostalgia soon evolved into a reminiscence of better and simpler days. "How far have I come?” he thought and "How much better have I become?"

He thought of the phone call to his best friend and that magical phone call that seemed to have lasted forever. The thought brought a smile to his face as he found himself staring at his telephone. This telephone was very different from the one he had used as a child. It had buttons and not a circular dial, it had features like redial and memory storage, but somehow, given the choice, Naseer would have paid good money to buy that telephone set. Without thinking about it, he picked up the receiver and dialed his friends’ phone number: 827-3795.

But there was no dial tone.

He hung up and then pressed the disconnect button a few times, but there was still no dial tone.

His nostalgia and reminiscence disappeared and the engineer inside him kicked alive. He now had something to do! Hastily, he checked the connections, traced the wires, replaced the wires and tried everything, but couldn't get the dial tone. He felt obsessed and out of control and it was as if hearing that dial tone would make everything better; almost as if that dial tone, could spare the misery of a 9 hour power failure (and there still a half-dozen hours till midnight) that his family had to endure; as if that dial tone could make it all better.

Frustrated, he began turning into the 'stereotypical Pakistani husband' who was tired and came home from a hard day’s work. He started to argue with his wife. It was the kids, he shouted, the kids had been messing with the phone and that they have no manners or discipline. He cursed and swore and stomped around in the dark house. He was turning into a madman. The power failure had begun to translate into his own failure to provide for the comfort of his family. He had to get the damned dial tone.

In the dark, his eye caught a red blip. It was his cell phone reminding him that there was a new message waiting. He picked it up and called home. But there was nothing. He tried again and again. Sometimes he would hear a recording saying that the number was out of service, something’s that the number was busy and sometimes he heard nothing. Was the line dead? Did he pay the bill last month? In the dark, he started to rummage through old bills barking at his wife to hold a candle for him. The bill was paid: more frustration.

Somewhere between his quests for the last paid bill and his scolding’s the lights in the house came alive. After 7 hours, they had power. He still had his cell phone in his hand and he dialed his home number once more. He heard the tone in his cell phone and the ringer in his telephone. He cancelled the call from his cell phone and picked up the telephone receiver and heard the dial tone, but what should have brought him sweet relief only filled his heart with regret. His wife and children stood together staring at him very fearful unaware of what was about to happen next. He wanted to apologize and he wanted to explain what he was doing, but more than that he wanted to cry. But he was not a child anymore. Growing up a hard man in a hard world had robbed him of that too.

Naseer later learned that the telephone exchanges are not prepared for 8 hour power failures. So, after their generators run out of gas, the phone lines die as well. No power, no water, no communications.

Nothing. No dial tone.

As he stepped into the shower, he couldn't help but marvel at how quickly his country reversed the course of progress. Not just in the last 2 years, or since the rule of the dictator preceding and certainly not since any era before that. Naseer couldn't help but feel the floor of a brand new low. It didn't matter if it was a budding democracy or transition from a cruel dictatorship or an incompetent crew heading the affairs of the state, in his mind the words echoed, "We have failed."

He got dressed and tried to break the awkward tension by making small talk with his children. His 2 year old son was just happy to see his father smile; his 6 year old daughter was struggling too hard to say the right things to keep her father happy; but his wife just avoided looking him in the eye. "No," he thought, "I have failed."

Mary had a Little JUMHOORIAT

2009-08-11T14:54:00.000+06:00

(Sung to the tune of "Oh where, Oh where has my little dog gone?" )

Oh where oh where have JUMHOORIAT lovers gone?
Oh where is the CJP?
With lawyers' and doctors' humanity gone
Oh where oh where can they be?

I was flipping across the TV today
And to my surprise I could see
There was really no difference 'tween then and now
'cept the shortfall of electricity

Oh where oh where have my JUMHOORIAT lovers gone?
Oh where oh where can they be?
The operation they cheer, but Laal Masjid was wrong
This logic of theirs I can't see

So I pray and pray and I pray to god
For that magical recipe
That will make me silent and show me no wrong
and fill me with joy and with glee

Oh where oh where have my JUMHOORIAT lovers gone?
Oh where is their integrity?

Dedicated to everyone who worked, prayed and supported the effort that brought us this current form of government and the current choice of leadership.

JUMHOORIAT vs. Pakistan

2009-07-18T15:21:00.000+06:00

Firstly, unlike our educated elite I'm not in love with the words JUMHOORIAT and DEMOCRACY. My problem is with the half-wit pseudo-intellectual English speaking educated masses who 'think' they have the solution to all of life's problems in a single monolithic argument: JUMHOORIAT.

Secondly, there is no argument against facts (unless you are amongst the educated elite who have never really seen a Pakistani, a court room or a KESC complaint office): our politicians are not competent. The jackass in the article spoke of countries that are the hallmark of leadership. George Bush and Tony Blair may have had despicable policies, but can you question their leadership? They stand taller then their military colleagues and control them. Can you say the same thing about our politicians? What rigors did President Zardari or Nawaz Sharif have to go through to earn their political wings? Does any successful politician have the intellect and leadership to stand up to the experience of a military general in Pakistan?

Thirdly, the argument that people make about how democracy needs time to grow is just a lame duck excuse. While I can understand that democratic institution need time to build their strength, credibility and character, the same leeway does not apply to the democratic parties themselves who are either monarchical or feudalistic in nature. In an governmental setup, a political party is known for its manifesto and the leadership is recognized for it's ability to sell that charter to the masses. In Pakistan, however, all political parties are known and headed by a single person, family name or feudal background. How can un-democratic parties -which do not practice democratic principles within the confines of their own party- become the force of democratic change for the 17 million Pakistanis?

I wish our educated elite would understand that the successful independence of a country does not need a particular form of government -China and the middle east for example, proves that point without an argument and to impose the Pakistani ideals of democracy on either of these countries we would mean to throw them (and by extension the entire world) into utter chaos for several decades. Does that mean that the principles and ideals of democracy are moot? Certainly not! What that does mean is that we can't impose change: whether it is a democratic solution or a military one.

If it ain't broke; don't fix it.

It also means that it is the burden of our educated (m)asses to stand up and question the leadership -whether it is party A or B; whether it is democratic or military. So many times politicians have confused and tricked people into looking one way (in this case to the errors of the previous regime) while it continued to play politics as usual. Did you know the CJP gave out over 2 dozen cars to lawyers at the taxpayers expense and since he has come back in power he has stayed away from the case of the missing persons, Laal Masjid and NRO? Did you know that (finally!) people are admitting that there is no power generational capacity shortfall and that it is only a circular debt? The food crises and so many other issues are beginning to unravel. But because you -the educated elite- was in bed with the forces of democracy you can't get out and are stuck with them -like the liberal media who blindly supported the US Presidential actions after 9/11.

Wake up and smell the bed mints...you've been sleeping with the enemy.

The Doctrine of Convenience

2008-12-29T12:06:00.011+05:00

"I remember being a giddy schoolboy who had just discovered the psychadelic and rebellious rock of the 60's and 70's. How I chanted "We don't need no education" and used words like "establishment" and "oppression of the masses" to channel my angst and resentment against everything that wouldn't go my way? But then oneday I grew up. Not for any epiphany or devine revelation, but rather at the hand of a choice between surviving in an uncertain world and fading into oblivion. No longer could I complain about the unfair world nor about the injustice and inequality. No longer would I allow myself the luxury of adolescent rebellion and petty, self-gratifying protests.

Of course there were rules and conditions. I could not become the savagery that forced me to grow up well before my time. I would defeat the cruelty of the world by exercising restraint and suceeding with honor and with dignity. Honesty, fair play and kindness would not be optional for me. My conscience would always be my trusted companion. Such were the noble ideals I cherished and aspired to achieve.

But today, I learn something different. Today, the cruelty and apathy of the world has evolved to an even uglier shade of shiny black. To be deceitful is to be kind and courteous; to move on untouched by human plight is to be focused and persevering; to be unfair is to ambitious; to cheat is to be cunning; to steal is to relentless at acquiring success; to be two-faced is to keep an open mind and essential to read both sides of the same coin.

When did doing the right thing to do become the wrong thing to do?"

- Excerpt from "The Adventures of Kamil Khan at South Guthka University"

Pakistan is torn between the illiterate majority and the ill literate minority. If there was ever a case of a rock and a hard place, this is it. The only thing that binds every Pakistani to every other Pakistani regardless of the class and financial bracket is the Doctrine of Convenience (DOC).

The DOC is a mechanism that allows us to do what we want, when we want and how we want with an absolute moral impunity. It is a get out of jail free card that grants us immunity against consciences (those left with a voice anyway) that prick us with questions of our own hypocrisy. Pick any sector, national debate, point of view or region and from the highest points of leadership to the lowest echelons of our society we have become at home and at ease with our own filth.

At the risk of sounding too much like a magician, pick a point, any point.

Media and News Reporting. The very same media that was deemed reckless and irresponsible on the way it handled the 1st 100 Days is now being lauded as the champions of responsible reporting. Why? Because the hysteria created by the editorializing anchors is acceptable since India (our Jaani Dushman) is in the picture.

Terrorism (Internal). While it was a terrible act of wanton violence, the role of our military was in FATA and Waziristan was unacceptable. Today, it is a welcome action. How does the DOC reconcile this? The earlier rhetoric was fed to us by our enlightened educated brethren so that had to be right. This one is fed to us by our democratically elected government, so that has to be right too.

Terrorism (External). Israel and Palestine are at it again. The story is so worn out and used, that if you were to turn on the TV and found yourself watching archive reports from a few years ago, you would never know the difference. Of course our leadership (intellectual, political and religious) are all doing the same old dance: Israel is bad and must be stopped; Palestine is good and must be allowed to grow terrorists. Yeah yeah yeah. I get it. Sympathy and all. But where was your sympathy when 200 Indians died in Bombay? Again, under conventional morals, you'd feel yourself to be a hypocrite, but under the DOC, you don't feel anything.

If a tree falls in a forrest, does it make a sound? If everyone in a nation loses their moral compass, aren't the ones opposed to this shift in direction the new immoral? Are we allowed to use double-speak because it suits our conscience?

Mirror Mirror on The Wall

2008-12-02T14:05:00.005+05:00

"A most horrifying moment for a being awake is connecting the hole through the heart of a loved one to a smoking gun in the hand.

While it is true that all humans are capable of so much more evil than ever willing to ever accept, the ability to avoid making mistakes does not define the moral stature of the individual. Rather it is the remorse and responsibility felt; the ownership and action taken in response.

Who amongst us can truly look into a mirror, read through the annals of his life and not flinch?"

Excerpt from "The Adventures of Kamil at South Guthka University"

Consider the following:

A people oppressed; a brutal and ruthless oppressor; the immutable will known uniquely as a 'human' quality; an unstoppable oppressive force meets immovable human will to fight to the bitter end.

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present to you the birth of what will soon become terrorism.

Whether it is the killing fields of Chechnya, Darfur, Gaza or Iraq, In the beginning, the principle is always the same. The resistance fighters are always small and nimble, the aggressors are always big and sluggish; the resistance is always using crude and innovative weapons while the aggressors have invested all their faith in technology. Whether you are watching the news or Star Wars, in the beginning, the principle is always the same: Kill us all, or prepare to die. But the laws of physics are blind to right and wrong and inadvertently, technology wins and pushes the rebellion into a tiny little rat cage and displays the primitive rage as a trophy on the evening news. No matter who you are or where you are, we have all participated in this gruesome display. As a child, I used to wonder why all the villagers would flock to watch the beheading of their beloved leaders and why they never stormed the gallows. Today when the echo of gunfire is heard from the living rooms of all -the educated, the illiterate, the wise and the stupid- it is clear.

So a child of rage is born and is tempered by hate, defeat and humiliation. What happens next? Here's the painful part. Here is where planes start flying into buildings, bombs start blowing up in school yards and cafes, people in high-end hotels become targets.

Allow me to digress for a moment...

In Pakistan, it is taboo to speak ill of India. A significant section of our 30-something MBA/multinational-teat-suckling class is especially partial to the successes of India. While they casually ignore facts like how India has one of (if not the) largest slums in the world, the highest poverty rate, they will argue ad nauseam how India is a success. Although it confuses me how success is measured in MBAs, but I know that the quality of life in India, is equal (if not worse) than that of Pakistan. If not, if in fact Indian economy is as great as it claims to be, then why haven't they introduced universal programs such as health care and food distribution? (I know the answers lie somewhere between castes and crackpots, but that would only distract from my point)

With that insurance policy in place, here's my point: Given the state of India, how it too is oppressive -Kashmir is just a single front. Like the US, it too symbolises prosperity and success -at least in the South Asian region. Hasn't it also become an obvious target by the masses that it has alienated? Aren't the Mumbai attacks a culmination of her own policies? I do not condone what happened any more than a diagnosis condones a cancer cell, but can you honestly say that all the violence that India has endorsed in the name of nationalism at the fronts of Kashmir have not come back to haunt her?

I remember reading many years back of a suicide bomber in Israel. Her husband and her son got mixed up (either allegedly or actually) and was murdered in front of her. While it is unclear of their actual involvement, but there is no doubt of the vengeance that burnt her soul...and ended up taking the lives of so many more. Whether you are a soldier at the battle front, a businessman at a hotel lobby, a bus driver taking children to school or tired soul buy fruit at the local market, it is terrible whenever lives are lost to cruelty and vengeance. Terrorism is a zero sum game and eventually engulfs us all -those in uniform and those without.

In the end our children will pay the price for our sins.

Be safe. Be smart.

The Rise and Fall of Pakistan's Intellectual Elite

2008-11-26T03:56:00.005+05:00

It was February 2008. And our intellectual elite spoke for the first time.

After four years of studying at the elite schools of Pakistan; after two years doing an MBA from either the same lot (or going abroad); after their mommy's found them a nice elite intellectual to marry; after working for multinationals (or living abroad) for nearly a decade, the Theetas were ready for a revolution! The nerds (or Theetas as they were called in my day) were ready to inherit the Earth...or Pakistan at least. They were awake, talking on TV news channels and they were pissed off!

There was a time, these were the guys who you hung out with when you wanted a decent grade on your computer science project. At the cost of being seen with them, a handful of dirty jokes and exaggerated tales of all the wild things you could do, these Theetas would gladly put your name on the project submission sheet. And if you got your girlfriend to smile and say hello to them, they might even proxy your name on their FYP.

But no more.

Their sexual deprivation has long since been satiated; they no longer need you to get a clue on how to be cool and hip (they have an overpriced subscription to GQ, thank you very much!); they may have sucked at sports, but they all had an active membership at the local golf course. They are rich, successful and are part of the most coveted club of all -British accented local goras!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, these kids were no longer the bookworms we were so used to ignoring. They may have never stood up to any authority figure in their lives and the only rule they ever broke was skipping a humanities class to work on their FYP, but don't let that fool you. These rebels were rearin' and gearin' to go. Calling the shots, shouting, "Watch out world! Here we come!"

Leading their movement is the Chief Theeta of Pakistan (or CTP) Chaudhry Iftikhar. After spending decades cowering under his mommy's duppata, he finally developed a single lump of courage and decided to stand up to the local bully (and former jock who got all the girls all the time)Pervaiz Musharraf. Pervaiz Musharraf was already losing support, but like all jocks, he did not know when to quit. On the other hand, Theeta's are very ruthless when it comes to hitting people, especially when they are down (it is scientifically proven that girl kicks are most effective when the opponent is lying down, trapped and immobile). Seeing our former leader down was the perfect opportunity. Backed by the money from their rich buddy Nawaz (a former college fatty-paddy and food eating expert) CTP Iftikhar overthrew the evil and wicked dictator.

Then, the nation rejoiced! The Theetas had won. Never before had they ever seen any victory so grand and sweet. Musharraf, that chiseled man had to go. He was broken and defeated. For today, the Theeta's had won!

After running what is arguably the most successful and effective non-violent campaign in the country, things took a U-turn: Theetas have very little (if any) experience with leadership; they have even lesser experience with winning fights. Not knowing what to do with their victory, they allied with Presedent Zardari. In return they were promised all the cookies they could eat. But alas! It was a promise, not a pinkie swear! So they didn't receive any of the cookies they wanted. "We wanted Oreos, but all they gave us were run-of-the-mill bakery coconut swirls!" brayed local Goat/Parrot Wannabe, Ahsan Iqbal. "A swear is a swear," he cried.

President Zardari smiled as he always did and asked Nawaz to meet him at his home. A few months later, after bitter fighting and squabbling and trips to President Zardari's abode, theTheetas abandoned their alliance with President Zardari. Pudgy Nawaz said through a face full of tears, "He used me. He told me that he loved me, but all he wanted was my...I can't say it...he can't treat me like this...I trusted him...I...I...I loved him."

Today, the Theeta's are walking with the sombre humility of a badly beaten and drained out cock that lost a cockfight. Beaten, broken and bent at a painful angle, these cocks don't strut anymore. The ones living in Pakistan have cancelled their memberships to their golf courses for fear of terrorist attacks. Their children are developing a bat like sonar ability from being in the dark all the time. Their international counterparts are busy pretending they are too busy hoping no one will notice their inability to perform. Both are haunted by the deafening screams of the masses who are starting to yearn for the bygone days of Pervaiz Musharraf.

How the mighty have fallen!

Laws of Physics and Power Generation in Pakistan

2008-11-11T10:51:00.009+05:00

This year, on John Travolta's Birthday (that's the 18th of February), the Pakistani people went to the polls. The news media told us that there was overwhelming support for the movement away from the bad times of the Musharraf regime and that this would be a deciding vote. Some even called it an historic vote! The vote, although far from historic, was also touted to be a referendum against the ruling party and Musharraf (or so we were told) and the conclusion drawn was that everyone agreeable blamed the previous regime and Musharraf for all that went wrong with Pakistan.

One item high on the finger-pointing agenda was the shortage of power.

But let me ask you this: was there really a power crises?

Let's walk through the events of the year and see what the media has reported.

1. http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=2008\02\04\story_4-2-2008_pg7_6:

In this report on the 4th of February, Pepco declares (a)IPPs have reduced their output by 1200MW and (b)the countries shortage at 2000MW.

2. http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=2008\02\05\story_5-2-2008_pg13_9:

This one is also from February 2008. Notice how people refer to it as the worst power crisis. Not something you would say if the crises was a continuation from the years before, but surely something you would say if the crisis was new.

3. http://pakistaniat.com/2008/01/03/more-crises-in-pakistan-electricity-flour-sugar-water-sui-gas-crises-what-is-the-way-out/:

This one is from January 2008. Notice how the guy refers to the time frame of the past two weeks.

4. http://www.thenews.com.pk/daily_detail.asp?id=107039:

This one is from April. The government talks about how it will meet it's shortfall of 3000 MW in the next 2-3 years.

5. http://www.dawn.com/2008/05/28/nat29.htm:

This one is from May 28. Watch how the our learned minister boldly delared shelving the Kalabagh Dam project.

6. http://www.dawn.com/2008/07/21/nat23.htm:

This one is from July and talks about how Mirpurkhas is affected by load shedding.

5. http://www.thenews.com.pk/daily_detail.asp?id=135887:

This one is from September 15th this year and talks about riots taking place because of persistent load shedding.

6. http://www.dawn.com/2008/10/20/nat36.htm:

This one is from October abouut Pepco reducing loadshedding from 12 hours a day to 9 hours a day.

7. http://www.dawn.com/2008/10/23/top7.htm:

Here's one from October about KESC and excessive billing.

8. http://www.thenews.com.pk/updates.asp?id=58867:

And this one is from October 30th where the minister for Water and Power declared that loadshedding was reduced to 50%.

So let me see if I understand this:

In January 2008 we had a shortfall of nearly 3000 MW and we were told it was because the previous government didn't build any power plants and 10 months later we have decreased that by 50%.

Can someone explain to me how that happened without setting up new power plants?

Before you respond please bear in mind that the cost of oil increased in the summer...long after our power crisis began.

Clearly the laws of physics (conservation of energy in particular) don't apply in the land of the pure.

Space Elevator - What are Japanese Engineers Up To?

2008-09-23T09:31:00.008+06:00

I just don't get it.

I read an article recently about a space elevator that Japan was attempting to create here.

A space elevator that goes 22,000 miles up and down with a payload in it just seems a bit of a stretch. I didn't say impossible (and let me re-emphasise that: I DID NOT SAY IMPOSSIBLE), but it's a stretch. If it's a standard elevator, then the surrounding structure that would house the elevator would be 22,000 miles tall -which is much taller than the worlds tallest anything- the cable would be longer than worlds longest anything and so on and so forth.

But what if they connect this long long long LONG cable to a stationary satellite on one end and planet Earth on the other end. Okay, so maybe this solves a lot of the engineering effort involved (like building the 22,000 mile structure to house the elevator), but that brings forth another question: why not first use the same technology on something shorter like, oh shall we say, a 10 storey building? Call me stupid, but it just might be a good place to start with before launching off into space...literally!

The real challenge, or so I have read is to "develop cables stronger and lighter than any fibre yet woven, tethered to the ground and disappearing beyond the atmosphere to a satellite docking station in geosynchronous orbit above Earth." You think? I mean with all your fancy degrees, is that the best you can come up with? I suppose you speak of time travel in the same way with "the real challenge being to develop a machine that would help you travel through time."

Look. I love Japanese engineering and it's exciting to see them come up with new gizmos and gadgets every so often. Take the bubblewrap simulator keychain, the ear wax camera cleaner or the keychain pet for example. While the products rank very high in cutsie-poo and forward-this-email-to-other-co-workers, the products -and bear with me- suck big time. Whenever I see a new Japanese electronic gadget, I wonder how many designers behind the MP3 Toilet had their undergrad final year projects cancelled.

Perhaps Japanese engineers have run out of ideas. It might be possible. The Japanese have many feathers in their engineering caps, but innovation is certainly not one of them. If you want something mass produced, give it to a Japanese manufacturer. They can replicate an idea perfectly a million times over, but ask them for a million ideas and they will come up with the Nap Alarm. It annoys me that they are neither victims of terrorist attacks (like the Middle East or southeast Asia) nor are they victims of EOWM (that's Evil Old White Men), with that edge, you'd expect the best of engineering from them.

But perhaps they have too much spare time on their hands. That would certainly explain the Panty Vending Machines from the early 90's. Maybe all they need a sense of direction. Someone to hold their hands and tell them it will be okay. Someone to tell them that even if they don't make the Kit Kat Jar people will still love them. After all, they did give us cheaper and fuel efficient Toyotas.

For the benefit of Japanese engineers, here's a list of the top three inventions I'd like to see come true:

Security Robot Guy: Given the growing number of terrorist attacks, it would be nice to have a robot at checkpoints. While you may add as many features as you would like. My personal favorites are: Kill; Crush; Sonic Scream and anything with zapping laser beams.

Democracy Balancer Robot Guy: My country has recently undergone a democratic regime change, but unfortunately, they picked the same morons who screwed the country over in the first place. A Democracy Balancer Robot Guy (or a DBRG) would eliminate the fools who use their vote to bring the wrong people into power. Suggested features may include: Kill; Crush; Sonic Scream and anything with zapping laser beams.*

*Not to be confused with Politician Balancer Robot Guy. Features are similar, but not the same.

Anti-Rat-Race Rat Guy: How many times has this happened to you? You are born, then you grow up, then you get an education, then you get a job and before you know it someone has slapped a tail on your rear and stapled whiskers on you making you another rat in cage? How many people go to work everyday fantasizing about how great it would be to have their friends job? Anti-Rat-Race Guy is a cybernetic creature that would create a clone of yourself that looks like your best friend. Once the clone is ready, the clone will kill you and your friend and take over his life! Good-bye Rat Race; Hello best friends wife! Suggested features may include: Kill; Crush; Sonic Scream and anything with zapping laser beams.

The Grand Anti-Muslim Alliance (GAMA)

2008-09-09T13:36:00.009+06:00

The Grand Anti-Muslim Alliance (GAMA)
by Khalida Adeeb

INTRODUCTION

Muslims in general (and Pakistanis specifically) take no ownership and show very little responsibility: If things go great, it was our right and our intelligence, if things go sour, it was Allah's will. Responsibility has never been our strong suit and to make matters worse, we have tied our lack of ownership with our religion. This adulteration has reached a dangerous climax where we have convinced ourselves that we have no control over these problems; where all things that go wrong are in fact "Allah's way of punishing the Muslim Ummah who has gone astray." Therefore, we conclude, all our problems are caused by someone else.

Allow me to introduce GAMA, The Grand Anti-Muslim Alliance.

GAMA is a one stop shop for all your villains. No more random abusing and flip-floping. Just close your eyes and curse the GAMA. It's just that simple!

It doesn't matter whether you are educated or not; how you pray (hands folded or not); what your political inclinations are; whether you support the lawyers movement or not or even how you feel towards the Palistinian plight. The root cause to all your problems are a direct result of GAMA, The Grand Anti-Muslim Alliance.

WHO IS GAMA?

GAMA is a very organized and diverse conglomerate of thugs who are hell bent on bringing chaos to Muslim nations in general and to Pakistan specifically. GAMA's membership includes people from all over the world with no discrimination to country, race, origin or faith. Yes! we also have Muslim members!

Notable members are:

The Jewish Lobby (aka yahoodi lobby)
RAW, Mossad, the CIA and the ISI
Sunnis (if you fold your hands while you pray)
Shias (if you do not)
Representative members from almost all sub sects of Islam
The 'agencies' (local only to the Pakistani political parties)
The Anti Democratic Forces of Pakistan (or the ADFP) *

*The ADFP is our latest member and brings to us the causes for PML-N's continuing political failure after the February 18th elections.

So no matter where you are, no matter who you are, GAMA has someone for everyone!

OUR PORTFOLIO

For the fundamentalist Muslims (aka mullahs, aka maulvis) GAMA offers you a unique blend of the US CIA and Mossad with a touch of local Muslims 'who have lost their way and don't know the true meaning of Islam.'

For the intellectual Muslims (grads from the 'notable universities' and Paki's living abroad), we have the Anti-Democratic Forces of Pakistan. Sponsored chiefly by Pervaiz Musharraf and Former Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz, the ADFP comes to us courtesy of the PML-N. After losing out to the PPP in the February elections (and pretty much everything else after that!), the PML-N leadership was unable to find a suitable villain. After many near misses, they finally identified the cause of their failure. It was neither poor politics nor lack of public support, it was ADFP.

For the sada khusboo Muslims/Pakistanis (who belong are sectless, take no sides and are totally inert and neutered), we have introduced YEH. Yeh came to fame with the movement Yeh Hum Nehien and represents the evils committed by the majority of Muslims and Pakistanis. These evils include suicide bombings, Karo-Kari, Sihaal and littering. So if you are a frustrated local without any real problems, look no further Yeh is waiting for your abuse.*

Yeh comes in three formats: (i) Yeh Muslim; (ii) Yeh Pakistan and (iii) Yeh Paki Muslim. Plese select your appropriate pakage when ordering.

HOW TO ORDER
GAMA offers two main product lines:

GAMA NOVICE
GAMA PRO

GAMA Novice - $25 for 3 months
(Recommended for religious and political newbies)

No more thinking!
Tired of thinking whose fault it is? This package will allow you to register upto three villains for three months. During this period you will receive periodicals and literature fanning your hate and increasing your apathy level. No more thinking and evaluating right from wrong. Just read the literature and maintain your mental status quo.

No more TV Browsing
Tired of surfing cable TV looking for a show that reflects your personal opinions? GAMA Novice will publish timings of shows from GEO, AAJ and Business Plus that truly reflect your opinon! No more accidental tuning to the wrong anchorperson who is on your favorite villains payroll.

GAMA PRO - $150 per year
(Recommended for the opinionated and well-informed)

All the Villains in the Palm of your Hand
With GAMA PRO, you are automatically subscribed to our entire villain database! Find the baddie for all your banes!

SubClassess and Sub SubClasses
Why blame the government when you can blame the Prime Minister? Why blame the military when you can blame the Chief of Army Staff? GAMA Pro also allows you to fine tune your blaming to include subclasses and sub subclasses.

TV Schedule on your Calendar
With GAMA Pro you can synchronize your calendar to our TV Schedule server and we will automatically populate your calendar. You won't miss your favorite talking head again!

SMS Alerts
What is more important that filling your mind with agony and hate? Absolutely nothing! With GAMA Pro, you can receive SMS Alerts of your favorite hate shows. Never forget to hate again!

So come one and come all! A world of conformity awaits you!

Alanis Morisette

2007-09-25T11:37:00.001+05:00

Alanis Morrisette has the appeal of a burnning manequin. Is she anything more than the Celine Dion of rock?

Please. I have nothing against Canadians, but please please keep your female vocalists off the air.

Thanks!

Just when you thought it was safe to put away your umbrellas...

2007-08-22T11:19:00.000+05:00

Rain, rain go away...no seriously, just go away!

Well she's back; fiercer than ever this time. It seems like the monsoon is pissed and she's got a bone to pick with Karachi.

It was a pleasant day yesterday. It was overcast enough wear your sunglasses on your head. Everyone at work was thinking of picnics and getting home. Then the news started pouring in (no, pun intended!). Initially there was some relief when the met office began predicting rain (they are almost always predicting the exact opposite of what will happen), but then it seemed their horse was going to cut the finish line after all. (Lets take a moment to congratulate them on their first correct prediction. Hurray for the Met office!)

I was holding my breath till late at night when there was not a drop of rain in sight (unless you lived in the Defence/Clifton area where DHA was still hoarding the rain water from a ten day old rain spell), but at around 5.00am in the morning, the rain came down.

The PECHS area had little or no electricity problems and ditto for the Nursery/Block 6, New and North Karachi and the Gulshan/Nazimabad areas. The same cannot be said about the 'better' *nyuck*nyuck* areas of Karachi, i.e. Defence and Clifton.

This is one of those weird and crazy moments when you can thank god you're struggling middle class in a crazy 3rd world country.

I would like to thank Mr. Mustafa Kamal (thats the city Nazim for you DAWN readers) for keeping his word and taking care of the better half of the city. *wink*wink*

Here area shot of the CDGK working.

What they are doing is cutting through the island to relieve the water stuck on one side of the road to the other. Not the smartest thing to do, but I'm sure motorcyclists will thank them for months to come.

Here's a before and after shot. This picture was taken at around 10.30am.

And this one was taken at 11.10am.

Rain Rain Go Away...

2007-08-11T10:31:00.000+05:00

It doesn't take much to destabilize the great city of Karachi does it?

Rain, thugs, politicians, it seems like everyone is out to get the poor city.

If only there was a way to keep the unsavory elements out...hmmm....that would probably mean a city totally and completely empty!